Strings Unattached.

Our big family outing yesterday was grocery shopping at Walmart. It is located on the east side of town, and hidden behind other businesses because our town is too yuppy to admit that we have one.

I feel my husband and I growing closer lately.

Perhaps we feel closer because we need to be a team. We are uniting as a team because in our home is another team and an often undefeated one. They are known as the little people, the short ones, sometimes a "b" name I will not admit to the public, but other wise known as, our children. (Little bastards- although we do think Colin is their father.)

I gave my husband a sideways glance in our shameful station wagon, one step closer to the dreaded mini van. His face matched mine. Our kids were in the back seat screaming at each other.

They were fighting over a string.

Yes, Sophie had found a thread that came off her coat and was waving it in the air joyfully as her brother tried to grab at it. It was his turn (!!!) he had announced.

Lord help us.

A piece of f*cking string.

"Where is the closest mental institution?" I calmly ask my husband and he looks at me with no emotion. "You're not going any where." He replied.


But last night as I checked on these little people, deep in their slumbers, I realized how much they make my life crazy but so complete. I looked out Grie's window at the cold night and watched as my my neighbor's 14 year old daughter sat in a car with two guys passing a pipe around just after ten. I smiled thinking someday my kids would be doing the same thing.

Well-hopefully it will be a homework assignment or perhaps a can of pop, not a pot pipe.

Just yesterday they were tiny babies and suddenly they're little kids fighting over a string-

A simple pleasure for them and the simple things they do that make Colin and I roll our eyes but smile too.

-C

Family Traditions.

My sister will be here at the beginning of the week for Christmas. It will be great for the children to have their aunt and uncle around and to experience some of our beloved Christmas traditions now that they are somewhat old enough at two and three, to remember.

My mother has started many traditions that I am not sure she knows are actual traditions, one being the mashed potato trick and the other a simple one where a box of wine is purchased and finished all in one afternoon.

I will not tell what the mashed potato trick is but I will tell you that my mother has a large space between her two front teeth. Sadly, she wears braces now so this could be our last Christmas involving tricks with mashed vegetables and alas, my sister and I will not be home for it.

Colin and I have other family traditions that we carry on outside of Christmas. For example, the day of the first snow- as soon as a flake falls we start drinking. A.M. or P.M. out comes a bottle of Barcardi 151.

Our other traditions include:

-Drinking as soon as the turkey goes in on Thanksgiving.

-On the fourth of July we sit in the middle of our street to watch the fireworks...and drink.

And then there are the every day traditions, or rituals, what have you, such as getting a Starbucks on the way to the park or an eight ball on the way to church.

(Okay, that one I made up but it is tempting.)

I love traditions.

When I was dating my ex-fiance I would buy his niece a book about Maine every Christmas since her mother grew up in Maine but now resides in Phili.

I buy my sister a cookbook every year.

So I look forward to my sister's visit. Three bean casserole, the mashed potato trick, a box of wine, and singing as loud as we can to Blue's Traveler "The Hook." It's going to be a fabulous holiday....and maybe a new tradition.

-C

Christmas Cookie Diet

Last week I started dieting again. This time I made up my own diet where I didn't eat unless I was hungry and if I was I ate Christmas cookies and alternated between drinking Diet Coke, coffee, and water.

Yesterday I weighed myself and I think I may have lost half a pound! Now I just need to add a bit of exercise. I am going to Google how many calories one burns during sex although I'm pretty sure it's 80. (No wonder everyone is so skinny before they get married.)

This is a diet that anyone can stick to (unless you're a Nun) so I probably should write a book about it since dieting subjects are one of the top book sellers in our country.

I wonder how many calories yelling at children or spouses burns. Hmmm....

-C

New Year Goals- The early version.

I've already come up with a few goals for New Years:

-Teach my husband how to piss in the toilet, not in front of it.
-Ditto for my son.
-Convince Sophie that it's not a good idea to put scissors in her mouth.

-C

Christmas

We are embarking upon our second Christmas in Colorado. I have managed to have all Christmas gifts bought and wrapped as of yesterday. Matching Christmas jammies have been purchased for the children and the house is completely decorated with Christmas cheer. I must add that even my two bathrooms and one powder room have Christmas decorations, all Martha Stewartly complete on the day after Thanksgiving.

We are hosting a party on the 13th. I searched cookbooks all of last night in hopes of discovering the perfect appetizers to serve the six parents and eight children that have been invited. What goes well with the mini wieners bathed in BBQ sauce that Miss Anne is bringing? How am I going to prevent the children from wiping their grubby little hands on my white walls and white carpet? Should I run to Cosco and see if there is something prepared that I can simply pop in the oven and say is my own? Should I come up with a Christmas craft for the kids to do at some point during the party like decorating sugar cookies or making an ornament?

Why the f*ck does Christmas have to be about the damn children?

God love them.

I do love my children and my friend's children. They're all adorable, incredibly bright, and creative. They say the funniest things and make me smile when it's a day I don't think it's possible to even utter a happy word.

But wouldn't it be nice to have a Christmas party with wine, Gourmet Magazine inspired appetizers that don't drip, and jazz music in Christmas theme humming in the background? I yearn for candles flickering at waist level, not above our heads so that children don't burn themselves with hot wax or flame.

Why can't I have a party where the kids remain in the basement with the door closed?
I promise to be nice to them in the morning! I'll even play Thomas the Train with Grie and baby dolls with Sophie. I'll try not to say "Just a minute" for at least the first few hours of the day.

Grie will be four in January. Sophie is three in March. They're little, babies still in some ways. I try to remind myself that I was so bored on Christmas before we had them. I got teary eyed when I went to Mass on Christmas Eve and saw old high school classmates visiting from out of state, happily holding their small babies.

Will I ever have that? I would think to myself. How pleasant it would be to bring my baby in it's little velvet outfit to my grandparents' Christmas gathering on the Eve before the holiday. Everyone would want to hold the baby, everyone would want to sit next to me, and Colin and I would be beaming.

I so wanted babies.

We have had five Christmas gatherings without children, and two with in our marriage.

I was only able to beam with pride Christmas 2005 with Grie and then with Sophie and Grie in 2006. We moved six months later.

So what I am saying is that I only had children was the purpose of being gushed over on Christmas Eve.

I mean, what I am saying is that there will be plenty of Christmas parties where the kids won't even bother to make an appearance. They'll think that doing a craft is stupid and that the appetizers suck.

They'll think that I suck.

I should have enjoyed those two years with my family more and I should enjoy these times with the children at ages two and three because they won't happen again.

I will however be drinking wine and the kids are going to play in the basement, but I'll leave the door open at least.

-C